


Suddenly!A Kidnapping Story

by coincidental_penalties, watchforwalkers



Category: Glee
Genre: Alive Finn Hudson, Bisexual Finn Hudson, Coming Out, Escape, Hostage Situations, Kidnapping, Kissing, M/M, Snowed In
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 19:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coincidental_penalties/pseuds/coincidental_penalties, https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchforwalkers/pseuds/watchforwalkers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn and Kurt find themselves unexpectedly kidnapped and held hostage by two of the most inept separatists Ohio has to offer. From the old-fashioned use of ether to lack of bathroom provisions, the kidnappers provide ample opportunity for Kurt and Finn to turn the tables. Plots are foiled and secrets are revealed as the boys work to free themselves from this absurd situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suddenly!A Kidnapping Story

**Author's Note:**

> [Fanmix for Suddenly!A Kidnapping Story](https://www.dropbox.com/s/9tu2avrtnmzsbnv/SuddenlyAKidnappingStory.zip?dl=0) by Gleennui.

At three-fifteen am on Friday night, technically early Saturday morning, Finn has only just left the party in Ferris Hall when he literally runs into Jack Something-Or-Another from his English Lit 102. Jack falls onto his butt in the middle of the quad. 

“Sorry Jack,” Finn says, helping Jack up and sort of dusting him off. Jack’s got something in his hand that looks like an old rag, and he holds it up towards Finn’s face.

“Does this smell like ether to you?” Jack asks.

Finn barely gets out a “Huh?” before Jack crams the rag into Finn’s face. Everything spins around, and Finn feels his eyes rolling back into his head as the ground rushes up to meet him. When he wakes up, he’s tied to what feels like a chair, a bag over his head and both wrists and ankles restrained. 

“Hello?” Finn says loudly, or at least, it sounds loud to him inside the bag. “Jack? Why am I tied to a chair?”

“Finn?” Kurt’s voice says. “Finn, is that you?” 

“Kurt? Are you tied up in here, too?” Finn asks. 

“Yes. Wherever ‘here’ is,” Kurt says, sounding irritated. 

“What happened? Did Jack drug you?”

“I don’t know a ‘Jack’,” Kurt says. “I was talking to someone named Carl.” 

“How long have you been here?” Finn asks. “Actually, how long have _I_ been here? It was like three in the morning, last I checked.”

“It’s dark in here and I’m blindfolded, Finn. I have no idea. I was awake again when you were brought in here, though. I didn’t know it was you.” 

“How long ago was that?”

“A couple of hours?” Kurt says uncertainly. “I don’t know. Time feels different when it’s completely dark.” 

“Are your feet tied, too?” Finn asks.

There’s a pause before Kurt says, “Dammit! Yes. I nodded at first.” 

“Yeah, mine are tied, too. Zip ties, I think,” Finn says, then, “Are you okay, though? Did they hurt you?”

“No. He must’ve held something over my face to make me pass out, and then I woke up here,” Kurt says. “I was more worried about the girls making it to their cars safely than myself.” 

“Ether.”

“That makes sense, I guess,” Kurt says. “Did the one that got you tell you _why_?” 

“No, he just asked me if his rag smelled like ether,” Finn says. 

“And you smelled it for him? Finn, honestly!” 

“I didn’t!” Finn protests. “I mean, not that I was going to anyway, but he just crammed it in my face before I would’ve had the chance. I’m not _completely_ stupid!”

“Do you think it’s some kind of revenge plot from the year we won Nationals?” Kurt asks. “What if they bring in one of the girls next?” 

“I don’t think somebody’s going to try to get revenge two years later, Kurt, especially not over show choir.”

“Well, it has to be some way that we’re connected. I didn’t play football long enough for it to be that,” Kurt says. “We don’t attend the same college. I’m not even in the same state as you most of the time anymore! And how would someone know we’re related, since we don’t have the same last name?” 

“I have to pee,” Finn says. 

“Hold it!” Kurt says insistently. 

“I’m not planning to pee on myself, I was just telling you I needed to pee!” Finn says. “Do you think Jack or Carl will come give us a bathroom break?”

“I’m not acquainted well-enough to say,” Kurt says dryly. “Surely they don’t want to smell pee on us, though.” 

“I’m gonna see if they’ll let me use the bathroom. Hey! Hey, Jack! Carl! I gotta pee!” Finn shouts. 

“What if they can’t hear us?” 

“If they can’t hear us, I’m going to start trying to break free. Carl! Jack! Pee-mergency here!”

Finn hears a wooden door open and feet thumping down stairs before Jack’s voice says, “Carl says to stop yelling or he’ll come down here and shoot you in the dick. Then you won’t have to pee no more.”

“Jack, man, let’s be reasonable,” Finn says, as calmly as somebody tied to a chair with a bag over his head can sound. “I’m not even trying to find out where we are or why we’re here. I just need to pee. You can keep the bag on my head and everything, just take me somewhere to pee.”

“So you can fight and try to run away? Nice try, Hummel,” Jack says.

“That isn’t even my name!” Finn protests. 

“Finn! Stop arguing! Ask them to bring a bucket or something!” Kurt says.

“But it’s _not_ my name,” Finn says, “and I don’t want a bucket. I can’t pee with you in the room!”

“You’re Hummel’s step-son, so Hummel’s good enough,” Jack says. 

“We’re in English Lit 102 together. You’ve heard my name on the roll all semester. It’s _Hudson_. My name is Finn _Hudson_ , and I just want to pee without my brother listening to me, okay?”

“I can bring a bucket and some hearing protectors like we use when we shoot,” Jack says.

“See?” Kurt says. “I won’t be able to hear a thing.” 

“Will you at least let one of my hands loose, so I don’t have to try to pee hands-free?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, I guess that’d be alright,” Jack says. “I’ll be back with your bucket.” He walks back up the stairs, opening and closing the wooden door.

“Okay, once he cuts my hand free, I’m gonna punch him,” Finn says. 

“I won’t be able to even hear you, Finn!” Kurt says. “You’ll have to get him to cut it free before he puts the noise protectors on me.” 

“Why does it matter if you can hear me punching him?”

“Because if I can hear you, I can at least try to do _something_ to help!” 

“With your hands and feet tied up? And a bag on your head?” Finn says. The door opens, and Finn hisses “shhhh” at Kurt. 

“Alright, here’s your bucket,” Jack says as he comes down the stairs. “Let me put the hearing protectors on your brother, and I’ll cut your hand loose.”

“Can you go ahead and do it now? I don’t want to pee my pants,” Finn says.

“Nope. Putting these on first,” Jack says. Finn can’t hear anything other than Jack walking around, but then he feels something cold against his wrist. The cold thing is very sharp.

“Uh,” Finn says.

“That’s a hunting knife,” Jack says. “It’s a pretty big knife. Me and my brother use it to dress a deer when we need to.”

“I’m sure it’s a really great knife,” Finn says.

“I’m cutting your hand loose, and then you’re gonna pee into the bucket, and I’m gonna stand here with my knife,” Jack says. 

“Will you take the bag off so I don’t pee on my shoes?”

The bag comes off of Finn’s head. He looks around the room as best he can without turning his head. Jack’s standing in front of him with the knife, which is definitely a pretty big knife. Jack kicks the bucket on the floor in front of Finn, making it screech across the concrete. The room looks like a basement, no windows. 

Jack leans in and cuts Finn’s left hand loose, then turns around, and Finn manages to pee into the bucket without getting any on his shoes. He doesn’t even bother trying to take a swing at Jack. Once Finn is done, Jack takes out a fresh zip tie and zips Finn’s wrist back to the chair. This time, Finn flexes his wrist as Jack ties it, so the tie feels a little looser. Jack walks behind Finn, presumably to Kurt. 

“Other Hummel, do you need the bucket?” Jack asks, which must mean he’s taken off the hearing protectors. 

“It’s like a road trip, right? Take advantage of every opportunity to go?” Kurt says. 

“Mmhmm,” Jack says. “Alrighty. You boys sit tight.” He puts the bag back over Finn’s head.

“Can you at least tell us what you’re planning to do with us?” Finn asks. “Are you, like, ransoming us or something?”

“Something like that. We’ve got some demands for that liberal Congressman step-dad of yours.”

Kurt snorts once, but doesn’t say anything.

“He doesn’t really have a lot of money. He has to maintain two residences,” Finn says. 

“We’re not in this for the money,” Jack says. He doesn’t say what they—Finn wonders if it’s more than just Jack and Carl— _are_ in this for, but just tromps back upstairs, thankfully with the pee bucket.

“This is really weird,” Finn says.

“Finn, we’ve been abducted and tied to chairs, and we’re being kept in the dark, and your best descriptor is _weird_?” 

“Well, what would _you_ call it?”

“Appalling? Disturbing? Horrible?” 

“And _weird_ ,” Finn adds. “It’s all really, really weird. Also, I’m kinda a little hungover from being ethered, okay? Be nice to me.”

“I was ethered too!” Kurt says indignantly. 

“I’m not the one that ethered you, though, so you could still be nice!”

“I didn’t ether you, either. Ether isn’t even a verb!” 

“Then why do you keep saying it?” Finn asks. “Ha! Bet you don’t have an answer for _that_!”

“Because you did,” Kurt says. “What do you think they want?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe they don’t like how Burt voted on something,” Finn says. 

“He’s not even that liberal!” 

“I guess he’s that liberal for this part of Ohio,” Finn says. “Did he vote on anything lately like, I dunno, banning hunting guns or something? Or maybe banning ether?”

“I don’t think anyone’s been concerned about banning ether, Finn. There was some kind of trade bill, but I thought he ended up voting with the centrist group on that one.” 

“I’ve gotta say, Kurt, _I’m_ pretty concerned about banning ether.”

“We’ll be sure to let Dad know,” Kurt says with a sigh. “What other issues are important to people who use ether and tie up college students?” 

“Mandatory minimums for kidnapping convictions?” Finn suggests. 

Kurt snorts again. “Do you think anyone realizes we’re missing and not just… out somewhere?”

“Mom and Burt are in DC still, I think. Classes are done for winter break for me. I guess it’s possible that Will might call looking for me.”

“Oh? Are you dating?” 

“What?” Finn says. “Ew, Kurt, that’s just _gross_!”

“Finn!” Kurt says, sounding offended. 

“Will as in _Mr. Schuester_!”

“I _thought_ so, but still! You’re calling him _Will_ ,” Kurt says. 

“Because I help with the Glee club, and we’re both adults! Not because I’m dating him, because that’s just gross!” Finn says. 

“You wouldn’t be the _first_ … anyway,” Kurt says. “I want to get this bag off. It smells.” 

“Yeah, it smells like ether breath. Did you try leaning back to see if you can rub your head on something?” Finn asks, tilting his head back. It collides with something hard, and Kurt says, “Ouch!” 

“So that was your head, huh?” Finn says. “Maybe we could rub our heads together and get the bags off.”

“Carefully,” Kurt stresses, and after a few seconds, his head barely touches Finn’s. Finn scrubs his head side to side, then moves it in a circle, using his chin and lips to work the bag off. It takes a long time, but eventually the stupid thing falls onto the floor. After another few headbumps, they get Kurt’s bag off, too. 

“Well, we can see at least,” Finn says. 

“And it’s definitely a basement.” 

“It’s cold in here.”

“It’s still functionally winter, of course it’s cold,” Kurt says. “We can ask for a blanket, maybe. Or scoot the chairs so we’re sitting side by side.” 

Finn rocks his body and tries to scoot his chair. It doesn’t move. “Mine’s bolted to the ground or something.”

“What kind of boors have _bolted chairs_ in their basement!” Kurt says. “And you _know_ one of them?” 

“He was in my English Lit 102 class. I don’t _know_ -know him. He wears a lot of shirts with wolves on them, and the ones with the mad, cut-up snake.”

“Oh, God, we’ve been kidnapped by some kind of delusional militiamen,” Kurt says with a groan.

“I just thought maybe he really liked animals, but not snakes so much,” Finn says. “He wears boots a lot, too.”

“They probably want Dad to remove their records from the Social Security database or something,” Kurt says. “Great.” 

“So how do we escape?”

“I think that requires getting the zip ties off, first.” 

“I’m gonna rub them on the arms of the chairs. This one’s looser than the one on my right,” Finn says. He starts moving his hand and slowly dragging the zip tie across the chair’s arm. “I think it’ll take a while. You want to talk about something?”

“I’d say we could play ‘I Spy’, but it’s monochromatic in here,” Kurt says. 

“We could do it by shapes or sizes. I spy something square.”

“The room itself?” 

“No, but that’s a good one,” Finn says. 

“Is it a shelf?” 

“The only shelves I can see are rectangles.”

“A stepstool?” Kurt says, sounding hopeful. 

“Do you have a stepstool on your side?” Finn asks, still rubbing the zip tie on the chair. 

Kurt sighs. “No.” 

“Me either. This game is stupid. Let’s play something else.”

“Definitely no Alphabet Game. Twenty Questions?” Kurt suggests.

“I always lost that in like three questions,” Finn says. “Truth or Dare?”

“Truth, by default.” 

“Damn.”

“Two truths and a lie?” Kurt says. 

“Okay, but you have to go first,” Finn says. “I have to think about mine.”

“I own five tiaras, I used to bribe Dad into buying me things, I sometimes dislike Brooklyn.” 

“First one’s the lie. I think you own way more tiaras than that.”

“Nope,” Kurt says, sounding smug. 

“I know you used to bribe Burt, so I guess you must never dislike Brooklyn,” Finn says. 

“Close enough to never, anyway,” Kurt says. “Your turn.” 

“Okay, hmm. I slept with a stuffed koala until I was twelve, the reason I got my hair cut short is ’cause a lady at the YMCA asked my mom if she was signing me up for girls basketball, and one time I didn’t sleep for five days straight.”

“The middle one’s the lie,” Kurt says. 

“Nope, that’s one-hundred-percent truth. You ask my mom when we get out of here,” Finn says, still working on the zip ties. “We we straight to SuperCuts when we left.”

“Hmm. I’ll go with the lack of sleep as the lie, then.” 

“I’m awesome at this game. Me and Puck stayed up for five days straight the summer before freshman year, and then Mrs. Puckerman took him to the doctor and they gave him a shot.”

“Maybe you were hallucinating from sleep deprivation. I’ve seen the stuffed koala, though!” 

“Yeah, but I stopped sleeping with Bobby Eucalyptus when I was ten, not when I was twelve,” Finn says, feeling absurdly triumphant, given their current circumstances. “Your turn.”

“Who named him?” 

“That’s not part of the game. Moving on.”

“Hmph. Truth or dare when we get out of here,” Kurt says. “The first crush I can remember having was on George Clooney’s ER character, I took ballet as a child, I only remember it’s Saturday because the deli is closed.” 

“I’ve seen pictures of the ballet classes,” Finn says. 

“Yes, well, which of the other ones, then?” 

“You were so cute in those pictures, too, with the little headband and the legwarmers.”

Kurt huffs. “As you said, moving on.” 

“I don’t believe your first crush was George Clooney’s character,” Finn says. 

“Okay, fine,” Kurt concedes. “It was on Noah Wyle’s. Dr. John Carter.” 

“Aww,” Finn says, doing his best to sound disappointed. 

“Don’t tell me yours was on the nurse.” 

“I thought your first crush was on _me_ ,” Finn says. 

“I was already sixteen!” Kurt says, sounding offended. 

“I see how it is. I’m not first-crush-worthy.”

“Maybe if you’d made an effort to introduce yourself some years earlier…” Kurt says. 

“So you’d have gone for me in middle school with my girl hair?” Finn asks. “I guess that’s, you know, something.”

“I’ve seen those pictures. You didn’t look like a girl,” Kurt says firmly. 

“The lady at the YMCA would beg to differ.”

“Maybe she was insecure in her own looks. Your turn.” 

“Okay, but this is a good one,” Finn says. “I don’t have any wisdom teeth. Like, they don’t exist up in my head or anything, even on X-rays. One time I got it on with a Cheerio under the bleachers during halftime. I had recurring sex dreams about Tom Brady for like two years.”

“Cheerio under the bleachers has to be the lie. Sylvester would _never_ let that happen,” Kurt says. 

“Well shit, you got that one!” Finn says. 

“That means the Tom Brady sex dreams _did_ happen,” Kurt says. “Was it the same dream each time or just the same Tom Brady?” 

“Tom Brady is a football player. There’s only one of him, Kurt.”

“Dream-Tom, Finn. Was it the same dream-Tom each time?” 

“But there’s only— you know what, never mind. Moving on,” Finn says. 

“Noooo,” Kurt says. “Tell me more about these dreams.” 

“I was like thirteen and fourteen, so I’m sure they weren’t, you know, _accurate_ as to how stuff works,” Finn says. “They were dreams. There was sex.”

“Was he in uniform?” 

“Oh my God, Kurt, was he— that isn’t important!”

“It’s very important!” Kurt argues. 

“Sometimes, okay! Sometimes he was in uniform!” Finn says. 

“Good, good,” Kurt says. “Barefoot?” 

“Sometimes.”

“Also good. Good taste,” Kurt says. 

“You’re really weird, and it’s your turn now, weirdo,” Finn says. His one zip tie looks like it’s getting close to breaking. 

“I think it’s weird to have sex with socks on, I’ve never been to Queens or the Bronx, I actually don’t have a middle name.” 

“Pretty sure the sock thing is true, since you asked me about whether Tom Brady had bare feet.”

“It’s _weird_ , Finn. Why would you leave socks on?” 

“You’re in a hurry or your feet are cold?”

“Blankets. That’s what blankets are for,” Kurt says firmly. 

“Anyway, I think you’ve probably got a middle name,” Finn says. “That means that you’ve never been to Queens or the Bronx.”

“I’ve been to Queens, it’s right next to Brooklyn,” Kurt says. 

“Wait. Are you seriously saying you don’t have a middle name?” Finn asks. 

“They couldn’t agree on one, so they always meant to figure it out later and…” Kurt trails off. “So, no legal middle name.” 

“That’s just weird,” Finn says. “Kurt Nothing Hummel.”

“Now you know. Your turn.” 

“I’m running out of interesting stuff to say about myself,” Finn says. 

“Go for uninteresting. Or salacious.” 

“I’ve never been in a boat, though.”

“What?” Kurt says, sounding confused. “What are you talking about?” 

“I don’t have any stuff about being on a sailboat,” Finn says. 

“When did I mention— no, that’s not what salacious means, Finn.” 

“Then what _does_ it mean?”

“Lewd. Dirty.” 

Finn snorts. “You already got the Tom Brady story.”

“That was dream-you. Not really salacious,” Kurt says. 

“You didn’t see the dreams. Trust me, it was plenty salay-whatever,” Finn says. 

“It’s still your turn.” 

“Fine,” Finn says. “I never saw Rachel completely naked with the lights on, I never saw _Puck_ completely naked with the lights on, and this one time, I was leaving a party, and I got drugged, kidnapped, and tied in a chair in a basement.”

“Everyone’s seen Puck naked,” Kurt says dismissively. “So… you really never saw Rachel completely naked in good lighting?” 

“Nope, not even once,” Finn says. 

“Goodness,” Kurt says. 

“Your turn,” Finn says. “Make it… that thing you said.”

“Once I made out with Blaine on the High Line, Puck and I hooked up once, I once had a sex dream about Mr. Martinez senior year.” 

“The Puck thing’s a lie. He would’ve told me!”

“If it were sophomore year?” Kurt asks. 

“He would’ve told me at some point,” Finn says. “Wait, so is that one _true_?”

“It was really only some making out and some groping, but yes.” 

“Did he do the butt grab thing?”

“Oh yes,” Kurt says. “Wait.” 

“What?”

“How, precisely, do you know about that?” 

“We’re not playing Twenty Questions, Kurt. We’re playing Two Truths and a Lie,” Finn says. 

“It’s just a friendly point of clarification!” 

“Okay, so it’s my turn now, right?” Finn asks. “Because my three things are that I also hooked up with Puck, except it was senior year, that I also used to have a crush on Mr. Martinez, and I also made out with Blaine on the High Life.”

Kurt starts laughing. “No one’s ever made out with Blaine on the High Line!” 

“I didn’t say High Line. I said High Life, like the Miller kind your dad hides in the garage,” Finn says. 

“Either way, no one’s been making out with Blaine,” Kurt says. “Wait, senior year?” 

“Yeah? So?”

“While you were with Rachel?” 

“Don’t tell her!” Finn says. “I mean, if we get out of here alive. If we die here in this creepy basement, I guess it doesn’t matter if she finds out or not.”

“Since you aren’t dating anymore, it’s more likely she’d decide it was ‘artistic inspiration’ for her career,” Kurt points out. 

“No, you _can’t_ tell her, Kurt, I’m serious.”

“I wasn’t going to, but I don’t think she’d be that upset now,” Kurt says. 

“She might if she found out it was part of why I wanted to marry her!” Finn says. 

“Oh,” Kurt says, pausing before continuing. “Well, that explains Puck’s commentary on the engagement announcement, too.” 

“Yeah, so now it’s your turn,” Finn says.

“I’ve never gone home with someone from a club in New York, I only said ‘yes’ to Blaine because so many people were around, I often think my dad prefers Blaine over me.” 

“Was he hot?” Finn asks. 

“ _Very_.” 

“Good for you!” 

Kurt laughs. “Oh, very good, trust me.” 

“Hey, Kurt?” 

“Yes?” 

“I’m really sorry you got ethered and kidnapped, but I’m glad I’m not here alone,” Finn says. “I’m glad I’m here with you.”

“Me, too,” Kurt says. “And at least our kidnappers seem… a little dim.” 

“Jack read one of his papers in class once. He’s a _lot_ dim,” Finn says. 

Kurt laughs. “No need to be kind to one’s kidnappers.” 

“I’ve almost got this tie off. If he comes back down, I’m kicking his ass.”

“Kick him in the groin first.”

“Okay, first I have to get my feet loose, though,” Finn says. 

“A somewhat significant detail,” Kurt says. “What if they come down before you’re completely free?” 

“I’ll just have to punch him really hard when he gets close, I guess,” Finn says. “Is it your turn now?”

“Oh, no, it’s yours,” Kurt says. 

“No, pretty sure it’s yours.”

“Well, you could always tell me more about _your_ crush on Mr. Martinez,” Kurt suggests. 

“Literally everyone at McKinley had a crush on him, including lesbians and straight dudes,” Finn says. “That’s _so_ not even the most interesting thing about me!”

“Well, the alternative was about how hooking up with Puck led to proposing to Rachel, but if you want to avoid Mr. Martinez…” 

“So maybe I panicked a little bit,” Finn admits. 

“You were barely eighteen! That’s more than a little bit,” Kurt says. 

“Maybe I panicked a lot!” Finn says. “I mean, I loved her, and it kinda made sense at the time, but also I maybe panicked about the Puck thing.”

“I never understood why her dads were going to give permission,” Kurt says. “I suppose that’s neither here nor there. That’s hard for all of you, though.” 

“None of that really matters now anyway,” Finn says. 

“Very little matters right now,” Kurt says dryly. “Considering our circumstances.” 

Finn sighs and goes back to rubbing the zip tie against the arm of the chair. “Do you think they’re gonna kill us?”

“No,” Kurt says. “I’m more afraid of them accidentally injuring us.” 

“I’m not gonna let them hurt you, okay? I promise,” Finn says. 

“They’re quite inept, is what I mean. Clearly they want us alive.” 

“I’ll get us out of here.”

“I wish we could hear a road or something nearby,” Kurt admits. 

“It’s really quiet here. I can’t hear anything outside at all,” Finn says. “How far away from campus do you think they took us?”

“I don’t know. Unfortunately, you don’t have to go far from Lima to be in a very quiet area.” 

Finn yanks up on the zip tie one more time and the plastic suddenly snaps, freeing his left hand. “Yes! Got my hand out!”

“Oh, phew,” Kurt says. “Is there anything sharp near you?” 

“Not that I can see, but now I have a free hand to work on the rest of the ties!”

“It’s too bad they took my keys,” Kurt says. 

“Yeah, a key would probably help get through this zip tie faster,” Finn says. 

“I have a small Leatherman on the keychain,” Kurt says, then gasps. “Oh, my God. They are incompetent. Finn, I still have my keys in my pocket!” 

“Which pocket?” Finn asks, reaching through the back of the chair for Kurt’s back pockets. “Left or right?”

“Right back pocket,” Kurt says. 

“My right or your right?”

“Mine.” 

“Is your right side on the same as my— oh, nevermind,” Finn says, patting along Kurt’s butt until he feels the keys. “Sorry,” he adds as he sticks his hand down Kurt’s pocket to retrieve the keychain. 

“Sorry?” Kurt repeats. 

“For grabbing your butt,” Finn says. He quickly uses the little knife on the Leatherman to cut the remaining three zip ties on his wrist and ankles, then stands, wobbling a little as the feeling returns to his feet. “Oh geez.”

“Are you okay?” Kurt asks. 

“My feet fell completely asleep and now I feel like I’ve got knives in my shoes.”

“Oh, no, I probably will too,” Kurt says with a groan. “So inconsiderate of them.” 

Feeling a little more steady on his feet, Finn walks around the chairs and kneels in front of Kurt to cut the zip ties. “Start wiggling your toes really hard right now.”

“Ugh,” Kurt says, but his shoes move slightly. 

“Okay, so I’m hanging onto this, and we’re going upstairs,” Finn says. “I didn’t see a gun on Jack. Did you see one on Carl?”

“No, and he didn’t have anywhere to hide one, really,” Kurt says. 

“Alright, so we can’t know for sure if there’s a gun upstairs, but we might get a jump on them. Look around for something you can use as a weapon, like a pipe or a wrench.”

“Or a candlestick?” Kurt asks. 

“What?” Finn says. “Why would you need a candlestick?”

“Clue, Finn.” 

“What?”

“The game?” Kurt shakes his head. “We’ll find a copy of it.” 

“Okay, have you found something to use as a weapon or not? We need to be ready to fight as soon as we get up the stairs,” Finn says. 

“The room is basically empty. We could unscrew the bannister and use it?” 

“Just get behind me, then,” Finn says, as he starts to slowly, quietly walk up the stairs to the basement door. 

“It wasn’t the worst idea,” Kurt says with a grumble. 

Finn shoots Kurt a look over his shoulder before continuing up the stairs. “Okay,” he whispers. “On three, I’m opening the door. You ready?”

“Yes,” Kurt whispers back. 

“Okay. One. Two.” Finn takes a deep breath, holding the Leatherman’s tiny blade up in front of him. “Three!” He turns the knob and throws the door open, leaping into the room… which appears to be a fairly large one-room cabin, and is completely empty of any other people. “Oh. Well, that went easier than I thought it might.”

“Oh, there’s a fire!” Kurt says. “Can we at least sit in front of it for a moment?” 

“Yeah. We need to find a clock or phone or something. It’s really bright out.” Finn squints at the bright, white light coming in through the window, realizing it’s not actually the sky he’s seeing, but snow piled up to almost the very tops of the windows. “Uh.”

“The good news is, we’re not snowed in with our kidnappers,” Kurt says. 

“Yeah, but the bad news in, we’re still stuck in here, we don’t know where _here_ is, and we don’t know how to contact anybody,” Finn points out. 

“Is there food at least?” Kurt says as he walks towards the fire. “There’s a bed. We can barricade the door just in case they find a way here.” 

“You look for food, I’ll look for a phone, a computer, anything we can use to figure out where we are or call for help,” Finn says. 

“Good luck,” Kurt says, standing and starting to move things around on the mantel.

Finn starts with the small cabinet closest to the basement door, opening drawers and even pulling them out entirely to look behind them and under them for anything that Jack or Carl may have hidden. By the time he’s made it through the whole room, though, he has to accept there’s no phone or anything that suggests internet access or a landline. He kicks a small tackle box that only had tackle in it. 

“You find anything?” Finn asks. 

“Canned beans, condensed soup, some water, a lot of water purification tablets,” Kurt says. “At least we can melt the snow and safely drink it?” 

“We should eat something and drink some water, then,” Finn says. “Did you find any weapons?” 

“Poker for the fireplace,” Kurt says. “If we could tell where the woodpile is outside, we’d probably find an axe.” 

“How did these guys think they were going to keep us here? They don’t have a gun or knives or anything? They’re, like, the _worst_ kidnappers I have ever seen,” Finn says. 

“Be thankful for that,” Kurt says as he opens a can of beans and hands it to Finn along with a bent spoon. 

“Honestly? I’m a little insulted.”

“You can mention that to Jack the next time you see him, which will hopefully be in a courtroom.” 

“I just wish I knew what the hell they thought they were gonna accomplish kidnapping us,” Finn says. He takes a bite of the beans and then realizes how hungry he is and starts shoveling them into his mouth. 

“I’m telling you, they probably want the IRS to forget they exist or something,” Kurt says. He opens a second can of beans and starts eating out of it. 

“Do you think they’re like those weirdos out in Zoar?” Finn asks around a mouth of beans. 

Kurt shudders. “Let’s just hope we’re not _in_ Zoar. It’s probably one of those ‘we need our own new country’ whackjob groups.” 

“Oh shit. I hate those guys!” Finn says. “One of them was on campus handing out pamphlets one time and shit I just realized that guy looked a lot like Jack.”

“Maybe it was Jack? Or do you mean you think it was a relative?” 

“Maybe it was Carl. Did you get a good look at Jack at all?”

“Enough to run the other way if I ever saw him again.” 

“Did he look like Carl?” Finn asks. 

Kurt sighs and pauses in his eating. “Somewhat, yes. I don’t know if I’d say they were brothers, but cousins would be believable.” 

“Okay. So Carl and Jack are crazy fuck-the-government separatists and they want Burt to give them their own teeny, tiny country or something, so they kidnapped us,” Finn says. “That’s just great.”

“They wouldn’t be able to run their own country,” Kurt says with a scoff. 

“They can’t even take care of their cabin!” 

“Wood and beans.” Kurt sighs. “What morons.” 

“I know, right? If this were my cabin, I’d put a great big bed in it. I’d stock the pantry with all kinds of good food,” Finn says. 

“Who needs a big bed when you can have a rickety pair of twin-sized camp cots, Finn?” Kurt says sarcastically. 

“And beans. Don’t forget the beans, Kurt.”

“I’ll probably never forget these beans. They’re horrible,” Kurt says. “I didn’t realize separatists hated flavor.” 

“They hate everything that’s good and awesome,” Finn says. “Stupid separatists and their stupid ether. You know my head still hurts?”

“Drink lots of water,” Kurt suggests, handing Finn a large bottle of water.

“Thanks,” Finn says as he takes the water. “Like I said before, I’m glad you’re here with me, even if you talked me into spilling all my deep, dark secrets.”

“ _All_ of them?” Kurt asks. “We didn’t even discuss visual preferences.” 

“Yeah? What did you want to know?” Finn asks. 

“You’re just going to tell me?” Kurt says dubiously. 

“Hey, what can I say? I’m flush with freedom.”

“Well, let’s hear it then,” Kurt says, gesturing with his spoon. A stray bean flies across the room, and Kurt laughs. 

“Ask specific questions and you’ll get specific answers,” Finn says. “I don’t know what you want to hear!”

“What’s your go-to?” Kurt asks. 

“Go-to?”

“Favorite?” 

“Favorite what?” Finn asks. 

“Wait, what did _you_ think we were talking about?” Kurt asks. 

“I know we’re talking about, you know, _stuff_ , but I’m not sure what kind of favorite we’re talking about, is all!”

“Now _I’m_ confused, and I was the one asking,” Kurt says. “I meant, what picture or link or whatever do you like best.” 

“Like, _actual_ picture?” Finn asks. “Because I _sooooo_ don’t look at actual pictures.”

“Really? Why not?” 

“People can totally check your browser history! Did you not know that?”

“Incognito windows, Finn,” Kurt says.

“People would still _know_ , Kurt, geez!” Finn says. “Anyway, I don’t need websites. I’ve got a way better imagination than you think.”

“Oh yeah?” Kurt lifts an eyebrow. “Do tell.” 

“What? Do you need websites?”

“I’m merely curious.” 

“I’m not gay, you know,” Finn says. “I like women. I loved Rachel. I just, I like other stuff, too. Other people. Guy people.”

“I didn’t say you were. Is that your way of telling me you envision a good number of threesomes?” Kurt asks. 

“What? I mean, I don’t know. Maybe. Not, like, mainly or anything.”

Kurt smiles. “I didn’t say I’d fault you.” 

“So you wanted threesomes?” Finn asks. “That doesn’t really sound like you. I thought you wanted, like, romance and stuff.”

“Romance worked _so_ well for me, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Kurt says. 

Finn laughs. “Yeah. Same. Still, you wouldn’t want it to not be romantic at all. I know you.”

“I suppose I just don’t think a threesome and romance have to be mutually exclusive,” Kurt says with a shrug. 

“Well, let me know when you’re ready to set up that threesome,” Finn says. “You can pencil me in.”

Kurt’s eyebrow lifts again. “You do realize my threesome wouldn’t have any girls, right?” 

Finn shrugs. “I mean, if there’s two dicks, may as well be three, you know?”

“No complaints from me, there,” Kurt says. “So threesomes _are_ a favorite?” 

“They aren’t the only thing I think about or anything. And I don’t have to have a three-dick policy. I’m just saying I wouldn’t _not_ have a threesome. I wouldn’t not have a twosome, either. I’m just kind of open to lots of kinds of people,” Finn says. “I just think mainly they’re not open to me.”

“You do realize there’s a nice, succinct word for all of that, right?” 

“Huh?”

“For being open to lots of people?” 

“Uh. Puck?” Finn guesses. 

“Yes, I’m sure he knows the word,” Kurt says dryly. “I take that to mean you don’t, though?” 

“Since I’m not sure what you’re talking about, I don’t know if I know or not.”

“Pansexual? Bisexual? There’s another one, but I always forget it, and anyway, probably that covers it,” Kurt says. 

“Oh yeah. I know those. I’m not sure which one is me, though,” Finn says. He looks down at his feet and continues eating his beans. “I feel like maybe I haven’t had enough of a chance to try it all out and decide.” 

“It’s a big umbrella,” Kurt says. “You don’t have to claim a particular one until you feel ready to.” 

“All I ever did was fool around with Puck a little and have some Tom Brady sex dreams.”

“I don’t think— they don’t look alike, right? So you probably aren’t a one.” 

“Puck and Tom Brady don’t look alike,” Finn agrees. “That’s sort of a weird question.”

“I don’t exactly follow the appearance of most NFL players, Finn.” 

“Do you know what Tom Brady looks like?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Does he look like Andrew Luck?” 

“Uh, no. Andrew Luck looks like they surprised him with the camera flash,” Finn says. “Tom Brady looks like a movie star. His teeth are, like, perfect.”

“It’s endearing!” Kurt says. 

“When we get out of here, Google Tom Brady. You’ll thank me.”

Kurt laughs. “Okay, okay. Any other details you care to share?” 

“Uhhhh. Don’t laugh,” Finn says. 

“Okay. No laughing,” Kurt agrees. 

“I kind of think butt stuff would be sort of cool.”

Kurt tilts his head barely to the side, looking thoughtful. “Giving or receiving?” 

“See, you’re gonna judge me!” Finn says. 

“No, I’m just trying to determine if I made the correct assumption, given your wording.” 

“Receiving, okay? Geez!”

“What?” Kurt says. “That was what I thought you meant.” 

“Okay, then. Don’t be weird about it! Why, don’t you like that?” Finn asks. “No, don’t tell me. No, do tell me, totally tell me.”

“I like giving _better_ , but yes, it’s good.” Kurt looks like he’s going to say something else, then turns bright red before he shoves a spoonful of beans into his mouth. 

“Well,” Finn says. “That’s. Um. Yeah.”

Kurt nods a few times, still red. “It’s good you’re, you know. Open?” Kurt says, then shakes his head quickly. “Minded. Open-minded.” 

Finn laughs and puts his hand over his face. “Oh my God, this is so weird.”

“Weirder than being snowed in after a kidnapping?” 

“All of it! It’s all so weird,” Finn says. “Shit. I’m gonna just embrace the weird and do something really stupid, okay?”

“As long as it’s not putting out the fire, yes, okay.” 

“If I kissed you, would you be pissed off?”

Kurt drops his spoon into the bean can and shakes his head. “No.” 

“I just figured, we got kidnapped and ethered, so it’s not like this is a normal day for us or anything,” Finn says. He puts his hand on Kurt’s cheek. “I’m not doing this because we got ethered, though.”

Kurt nods, moving his head just barely. “Okay.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says, leaning in and pressing his lips to Kurt’s. It’s not exactly what he would have imagined if he’d really thought about it, particularly the kidnapping part, but it’s still pretty awesome. After only a few seconds, Kurt moves his head in Finn’s direction, kissing Finn a little harder. Finn drops the empty can of beans and puts his arms around Kurt. 

Kurt definitely moves again, into the kiss and into Finn’s arms, his chest brushing against Finn’s. Finn runs a hand up Kurt’s back, his fingers trailing over Kurt’s neck, and buries his hand in Kurt’s hair. Kurt’s arms go around Finn’s waist, and he takes a single step backwards, towards the fire, pulling Finn with him. 

Finn lets Kurt move him, but then he thinks maybe that isn’t enough, maybe Kurt needs to know Finn’s really in this. He drops down to the cabin floor, tugging Kurt down, too. Kurt stumbles a little, pulling back enough to smile at Finn before kissing him again. 

“This is cool, right?” Finn asks. “I guess it would be kind of awkward if you said it wasn’t now, but you can, if it’s not.”

“It’s cool,” Kurt says, nodding. 

“Would it have been cool even if we didn’t get ethered and kidnapped?” Finn asks, because he doesn’t want this to be like one of those movies where the two people who are about to die in the frozen wilderness get together because of the base drive to survive or something.

“Yes, though we can give them props for the nice fire and isolated cabin,” Kurt says. 

“It’s not like Carl and Jack can come back right now anyway, right?”

Kurt nods. “Exactly.”

“Awesome,” Finn says. “This is really weird, but I like it.”

Kurt smiles widely. “Yes. On both counts.” 

“If Jack and Carl come back soon, I’m so stabbing both of them with your Leatherman.”

“Can’t we use the fireplace poker instead?” Kurt asks, his nose wrinkling.

“We can use both,” Finn says. 

“But my Leatherman will get sticky.” 

“I’ll wash it after. We only have the one poker and there’s two separatist jackasses.”

Kurt sighs. “Fine. But if they come in one at a time, we only use the poker.” 

“Okay,” Finn says. “If they come one at a time, we’ll use the poker, but if they’re both here at the same time we use the Leatherman and then I’ll wash it. Deal?”

“Deal,” Kurt says with a nod. 

“You want to drag the cot mattresses over in front of the fire?” 

“Yes.” Kurt glances at them. “Maybe turn the blankets over, so it feels cleaner.” 

Finn pulls the mattresses off the cots and drags them towards the fire while Kurt gets the blankets. Soon, they have a somewhat-comfortable pallet made up in front of the fire, and Finn uses the empty cots to block the door, just in case Jack and Carl decide to tunnel their way back to the cabin. 

Finn lies down on the pallet and pats the space next to him, between himself and the fire. “It’s the warm spot,” he tells Kurt. 

“Luckily, the fire is warm and well-fed,” Kurt says as he lowers himself. 

“Too bad all we have is canned soup and beans,” Finn says. “I feel like we should be drinking wine or something.”

“Hot chocolate,” Kurt says wistfully. 

“With little marshmallows and whipped cream. This cabin’s pretty much the worst, except for you being here with me.”

“If I ever buy a vacation cabin, I’m stocking it with hot chocolate enough for days,” Kurt says. “And always bringing extra marshmallows.” 

“Better mattresses, nice blankets,” Finn says. “We need to find out if there’s some kind of crazy separatist rating site, because I’m only giving this place a half a star.”

“We’ll put that the wood supply was good, but otherwise accommodations were lacking,” Kurt agrees. 

“Plus, I didn’t find a single grenade launcher or machete or kooky flag with a cut up snake on it!”

Kurt laughs and puts his head on Finn’s shoulder. “We’re actually grossly underprepared for an apocalypse of any type.” 

“May as well get a good night’s sleep. Day’s sleep? Whatever time it is, I’m really tired,” Finn says. 

“Yeah,” Kurt says softly. “We probably should.” 

“We might have a long day of beating kidnappers with a poker tomorrow, anyway,” Finn says. He plants a kiss on top of Kurt’s head. “Plus, if we wake up feeling rested before they make it back, we can find something else to do with our time.”

Kurt laughs quietly. “Yes. Definitely.” 

Finn closes his eyes. “Weird day,” he says. 

“Very, very weird,” Kurt agrees.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline crash, maybe it’s just that they’ve been awake for some weird amount of time, but Finn falls asleep quickly, shortly after Kurt does. When Finn wakes up, the white light isn’t shining in through the snow anymore, which means it’s either night or the snow finally piled up so high that it went above the windows. Finn thinks the first one is more likely.

“Hey, Kurt?” Finn whispers. 

“Mmm?”

“You awake?”

“Maybe,” Kurt says sleepily. 

“Want to go back to sleep?” Finn asks. “I can leave you alone.”

“Not the same thing,” Kurt says, pushing his face against Finn’s chest.

“We could get up and double-check the cabin for weapons and phones? Try to dig our way out and hope Carl and Jack aren’t waiting at the end of the tunnel?” 

Kurt shakes his head. “It’s warm here.” 

“You’re not too warm, are you?” Finn asks. 

“No.” Kurt shifts a little, closer to Finn. “This is nice.” 

“It’s funny, though, isn’t it?”

“The fire? You? What?” Kurt shifts a little, shaking his head.

“Us. This happening,” Finn says. “I mean, did you think you’d go from ether and a bag over your head to this?”

Kurt laughs, sounding a little more awake. “Us was probably more likely than ether, in my thoughts.” 

“You don’t think we needed the kidnapping to give us a kickstart?” 

“Maybe?” Kurt’s shoulders move a little. “But ether, Finn. That’s so old-school.” 

“Yeah?” Finn asks. “I guess I just sort of thought it was still a thing people did.”

“Only in the United State of Jack and Carl,” Kurt says. “Okay, I suppose I’m awake for now.” 

“Wanna make out?”

“That was my meaning, yes,” Kurt says, lifting his head up and smiling at Finn. 

“Good, because I do, too,” Finn says. He shifts a little, rolling onto his side to face Kurt and bring theirs mouths together. Kurt kisses back enthusiastically, one hand on Finn’s shoulder. They stay like that for a long time, just making out and not even grabbing at each other much. It’s nice, Finn thinks, just to have that, especially after the whole kidnapping drama.

Eventually, the cabin starts to lighten, and Finn lifts his head to note that the snow hasn’t gotten any higher, and in fact seems to be melting with the sun shining down on it. He rubs his eyes and sits up. Kurt pushes himself up into a sitting position too, blinking a little. 

Finn laughs. “Oh man, Kurt. Your hair!” 

Kurt grabs at his head, then lowers his arms slowly, glaring at Finn. “It’s been quite a few hours since I was near a mirror, you know.” 

“It’s really sticking up, is all,” Finn says. “It’s cute, but it’s funny.”

“I thought you’d missed noticing they’d shaved it or something!” Kurt says, but after a moment he smiles a little ruefully. 

“Nah, I don’t think they did anything to it other than putting a bag over it.”

“So uninventive, really,” Kurt says. “I suppose we should be thankful for that.” 

Finn nods. “Snow looks like it’s melting down a little. We should probably decide if we’re going to try to tunnel out of here or if we’re going to wait for the jackasses to come back.”

“They might bring a vehicle or a phone, if we wait for them,” Kurt says. “That could be advantageous, especially since neither of us has appropriate footwear for the snow.” 

“Then we need to make sure we’re prepared for when they get here,” Finn says. “We should eat something and then decide how we want to set things up to get the jump on them.”

“And use the bucket well ahead of time,” Kurt says, wrinkling his nose.

“Maybe we should zip tie _them_ in the basement, let them see how they like it,” Finn says, rubbing his wrist, which has a pretty impressive friction burn from the zip tie. 

“It’s actually not a bad idea,” Kurt says slowly. “It would give us time to get away from here and contact the authorities without worrying about them coming to, if we merely knocked them out.” 

“Plus, then they’d be zip-tied and can see how much it sucks.”

Kurt laughs. “Yes, that also.” 

“I’m feeling a little vindictive right now,” Finn says, holding up his wrist so Kurt can see the red line around it. 

Kurt winces. “Ouch. Yes. Let’s eat, then we’ll find the rest of the zip ties.” 

They open cans of soup and set them by the fire to warm up a little, then eat with a watchful eye on the door. Since they’re half-expecting Jack and Carl to show up any minute, Finn doesn’t feel comfortable not giving the door most of his attention, which means there’s not nearly as much making out after they eat as there was earlier in the morning. Sure enough, a few hours later, they hear a motor outside that sounds like an ATV.

“I think we’ve got company,” Finn says. 

“We’ll have to be ready for the second one to come in, since hitting the first one will give him a clue as to what’s happening,” Kurt says as he stands. 

“Is there a frying pan or something? Like a heavy skillet?”

“Hang on.” Kurt goes over to where the cans are, then holds up what looks like a large black lid. “This?” 

“That’ll work. You take the poker. When the first one comes in, you go low, and I’ll go high. Hopefully that’ll throw off the other one a little,” Finn says. 

Outside, they can hear the sound of snow being shoveled and thrown. Finn and Kurt move the cots to either side of the door to form a corridor they can easily strike over, but that are too high for Jack or Carl to jump. They each crouch behind a cot, waiting and listening to the shoveling getting closer, accompanied by lots of swearing. 

“It’s nice of them to clear it for us,” Kurt whispers. 

“And to bring us that ride,” Finn agrees. 

Eventually the snow in front of the door topples over, both Jack and Carl visible in the doorway. Finn and Kurt stay low as Jack pushes the door open. As soon as it swings in, Finn leaps up and whacks Jack hard in the forehead with the lid, while Kurt swings the poker twice at Carl before it connects and Carl falls over. Jack falls backwards on top of Carl, both of them looking dazed.

“We decided we didn’t like being kidnapped,” Finn says, leaning over Jack to thwap Carl in the head, too. Carl’s eyes roll back. “I think they’re both out.”

“Let’s zip-tie Carl up here just in case while we take Jack downstairs,” Kurt says. “It won’t hurt Carl to have two sets of zip ties.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says. He pats Carl’s jacket pockets, finding the zip ties he’s expecting. He ties up Carl’s wrists and ankles. 

“Can we drag them down the stairs like on the movies?” Kurt asks. 

“Oh yeah. Not like we’re worried about them getting brain damage,” Finn says, grabbing Jack by one leg and beginning to drag him towards the basement steps. 

“It might be doing them a favor if other people recognized the depths of their idiocy, even,” Kurt says. 

Finn starts down the stairs, dragging Jack and letting him bounce on the stairs on the way down. Kurt laughs a little as he follows. Once they have Jack at the bottom of the stairs, Finn and Kurt work together to haul him into one of the chairs, zip-tying both wrists and both ankles. 

“We could stuff one of the bags in his mouth,” Kurt suggests. 

“I don’t really care if he screams, though. I want him to be found… by the police,” Finn says. 

“Oh, I wanted him to have to taste the bag,” Kurt says. 

“I guess he can spit it out eventually,” Finn says, shrugging. “Stuff if in.”

Kurt brightens and pushes the bag into Jack’s mouth, then puts his finger under Jack’s nose for a moment. “Still breathing,” he says. “Carl’s turn.” 

“Yay,” Finn says, hurrying back up the stairs. Carl is awake, flopping around like a fish between the two cots. 

“Can we hit him again?” Kurt says disdainfully. 

“Be my guest,” Finn says. 

Carl looks more than a little wild-eyed as he stares at them. “Liberty and independence forever!” he shouts. 

“Oh, you’re tiresome,” Kurt snaps before whacking Carl in the head another time. Carl stops mid-sentence, his head hitting the floor with a thump. 

“That’s probably enough. We don’t want to kill him,” Finn says. “Well, we might _want_ to, but we’re not going to, okay?”

“I know.” Kurt sighs. “It’d look premeditated now, not self-defense.”

“Exactly.” Finn drags Carl to the stairs and more or less just lets him roll down the steps. 

“Oh, we can’t forget to search them for keys and phones,” Kurt says.

“Oh yeah,” Finn says. He pats Carl down before putting him in the chair, finding two sets of keys, a cell phone that’s several models old, and Zippo that has ‘Live Free or Die’ engraved into it. “I’m thinking he’s probably rather live in jail than die, though,” he says, tossing the lighter to Kurt. 

“Don’t you know that our modern government is already _like_ a prison to these weirdos?” Kurt says. He studies the lighter briefly. “We should leave this on the mantle in case the fire dies.” 

“That’s nice of you,” Finn says. He turns the phone on. It doesn’t have a passcode, but it also doesn’t have any signal. Finn frowns down at it. “I think we have to go upstairs for a signal, maybe outside.”

“Good-bye, Jack and Carl,” Kurt says, heading for the stairs. “It wasn’t nice knowing you.” 

“I mean, one good thing came out of it,” Finn says as he follows Kurt up. 

“Shh, don’t let on to them,” Kurt says. 

“They might like knowing that even though they failed to, I dunno, start the Independent Nation of Western Ohio, they brought two crazy kids together.”

Kurt laughs. “I suspect they’d be properly horrified, actually, if they’re like the rest of their compatriots.” He sets the lighter on the mantle. “Signal now?” 

“A little,” Finn says. “Police first?”

“Yes. Hopefully we’re actually officially missing. That should make it easier.” 

“Here,” Finn says, handing the phone to Kurt. 

“I suppose we’ll find out where we are, soon,” Kurt says. He dials 9-1-1 and hits send, holding the phone close to his ear without touching it. “Yes. I suspect—or hope, anyway—that my brother and I have been reported missing? Kurt Hummel and Finn Hudson?” He pauses. “Yes. Yes. Yes, they’re— indisposed. We don’t know where we are, though.” He looks at Finn. “Can you see anything out there?” 

“Snow,” Finn says. “We see snow. The tops of trees.”

“It’s isolated,” Kurt says to the person on the other end of the phone. “No, we don’t know how long it took to get here. It sounded like an ATV when they came back just a bit ago.” Kurt pauses again. “Okay. Yes.” He looks at Finn. “I’m just supposed to leave the phone on while they try to pinpoint where we are.” 

“Good. Is there anything else we’re supposed to do to, I dunno, preserve the scene?” 

Kurt shakes his head and places the phone on top of the mantle. “I don’t think so. We should probably add more wood to the fire in case it takes another hour or so.” 

“Sounds good,” Finn says. “More soup?”

“Let’s go out for real food tomorrow night, but yes,” Kurt says. 

Finn and Kurt eat soup and keep the fire built up while the 911 operator locates them based on their phone. When they can hear approaching vehicles, they drag the cots away from the door and open it, keeping their hands visible just in case, like the operator suggests. 

“They’re downstairs,” Kurt says when an officer approaches. “Jack and Carl.” 

“I knew Jack from my English Lit 102 class. I didn’t know he was a crazy separatist,” Finn says.

“You boys come outside. We have some EMTs and other officers out there to take your statement. Are you sure you didn’t see any weapons on the premises?” the office asks Finn, who just shakes his head.

“Only the fireplace poker and that big lid, and Kurt’s little Leatherman we used to cut ourselves free from the zip ties,” Finn says, showing off the friction burn on his wrist. 

“It was a surprisingly barren cabin,” Kurt agrees. 

“You also have a concerned family member out there,” the officer says. “Have the EMTs look at that wound.”

“Yes sir,” Finn says. He puts his arm around Kurt’s shoulder and escorts him out of the cabin, into the bright sunlight of early afternoon. Despite the officer saying ‘some” additional officers were there, the place is actually crawling with police from what looks like several different departments. Finn hears a loud noise overhead as a helicopter flies over. Burt is standing by two police cars and an ambulance. He waves frantically when he sees Finn and Kurt. 

“Son! Finn!” Burt shouts. “Thank God you’re alright!”

“Oh, God, there’s going to be press, isn’t there?” Kurt says quietly to Finn even as he waves at Burt. 

“Yeah, I don’t understand why there’s so many people here,” Finn says. 

Burt rushes up to them, grabbing Kurt and hugging him, then letting go of Kurt with one arm to hug Finn, too. “Are you boys really alright? Are you hurt? Did they hurt you? I swear to God I’ll kill ’em myself if they hurt you.”

Finn holds up his wrist. “Just a little friction burn from the zip ties. We’re fine, Burt.”

“They were incompetent, Dad,” Kurt says. “We even had soup to eat.” 

“Well thank God for that,” Burt says, starting to pull Finn and Kurt towards the EMTs.

“Why are there so many people here? We tied up Carl and Jack,” Finn says.

“Your kidnappers were just the tip of the iceberg, Finn,” Burt explains. “Turns out this whole piece of property is owned by some militia group they’ve had an eye on. You getting kidnaped gave them a reason to search the place. I’m not getting all the information, but I know so far they’ve pulled out a whole huge cache of automatic weapons and bomb-making supplies, plus a bunch of paper files on their plans.”

Kurt snorts. “We’re glad we could help, right Finn?” 

“Right,” Finn says.

“You boys are already being called heroes for fighting off your captors and helping the police uncover a massive conspiracy to cause harm to the public. They even called me, tried to set up a meeting to trade you for some kind of access to government buildings, it was nuts!” Burt says. 

“I told you, they wanted off the grid,” Kurt says, shaking his head. “We were just looking forward to going out to dinner tomorrow night, though.” 

“I think you’re going to be giving a lot of interviews,” Burt says. “Plus, the FBI wants to talk to you, somebody from their domestic terrorism department, I think.”

“Does that have to be now?” Finn asks.

Burt nods. “They also want to get you to the hospital for a check-up and to run a blood panel on you to confirm what you were drugged with.”

“Jack said it was ether,” Finn says. 

“Well, they still have to check, for the purposes of prosecuting and stuff like that,” Burt says. 

“The quicker we go, the quicker it’s done, I suppose?” Kurt says. 

Burt shuffles Finn and Kurt off to a pair of sheriff’s deputies, then to a woman in a nice black suit who identifies herself as being from the FBI, and then to a group of EMTs. Finn can’t even keep track of all the questions he and Kurt are asked, first together and then separate and then together again, and after that, they’re transported to Paulding County Hospital where they get asked even more questions and both get blood drawn and various kinds of swabs.

Night has long since fallen before the two of them are released, ostensibly into Burt’s care, though at this point, Burt is more upset and flustered than either Finn or Kurt. Giving Jack and Carl a good whack and then zip-tying them up gave Finn most of the closure he needed. He’ll probably still be a little jumpy about people approaching him outside at night, but he isn’t sure he’ll need to call the therapist specializing in trauma that he and Kurt were given business cards for. 

Burt insists they both stay at the house, though Finn would have preferred to go back to his dorm and bring Kurt with him. Carole has a flight booked for the morning, and they all have interviews planned and photographs for Kurt and Finn to look at. Finn’s hoping for a full-blown lineup like they do on TV, but he’ll settle for identifying Jack and Carl’s photograph from a giant binder of pictures. Burt orders dinner in while Finn and Kurt both take showers, at least, and goes to bed early, leaving Finn and Kurt awake, still picking at their food.

“So this was kind of a weird couple of days,” Finn says finally, when the silence stretches out a little too long. 

Kurt laughs a little. “I’m not even sure what day it _is_.” 

“Thursday,” Finn says. “No, wait. It was Friday when Jack grabbed me, I think, so today is Sunday? Monday? Saturday?”

“My money’s on Monday, but I’m not sure,” Kurt says. “I hope Dad has something to do tomorrow, at any rate.” 

“I can’t believe we have more interviews and stuff to answer. I just want to go to dinner,” Finn says. 

“Surely we can convince Dad we don’t want to talk to the press, at least,” Kurt says with a sigh. “We’d have to wear hats to dinner.” 

“I own a couple of good hats.”

“You own baseball caps, Finn.” 

“Which are hats, Kurt.”

“But not particularly convincing disguises,” Kurt says.

“With sunglasses,” Finn says. 

“Not indoors!” 

“What kind of disguises did you have in mind?” Finn asks. “Fake beards?”

“Fedoras. Though fake mustaches would be amusing,” Kurt says. 

“Can we at least talk about the fake beards?”

Kurt laughs and shakes his head. “Maybe for Halloween.” 

“Want to watch some TV?” Finn asks. “I don’t think I’m ready for bed yet, but I don’t think my brain can handle anything else today.”

“Something funny,” Kurt says. “ _Parks and Rec_?” 

“Yeah. Sounds great,” Finn says. He puts their plates in the sink and follows Kurt into the living room. After sitting on the sofa, Finn puts his arm around Kurt and pulls him close as Kurt picks up the remote to turn the TV on. 

“… and Finn Hudson, who resourcefully freed themselves after two days…” 

Kurt mutes the TV quickly. “Seriously?” 

Finn sighs. “Apparently we’re national heroes now, practically.”

“I suppose the ‘resourceful’ part is accurate.”

“And we did free ourselves. They should make a movie about us.” 

“We can play ourselves, if they move quickly with it,” Kurt says. 

“Puck can play the first officer on scene. He’d like that,” Finn says. “But I want Jeff Bridges for Burt.”

“I want Billy Bob Thornton for the leader of the separatists,” Kurt says. 

Finn nods. “And Andy Samberg and Chris Pratt for Jack and Carl.”

“This is going to be very, very funny,” Kurt says. “We should cast someone for your mom, too.” 

“Uma Thurman.”

“Goodness, you’re buttering her up,” Kurt says. 

“I like Uma Thurman. What’s the point of being a national hero who accidentally foiled a domestic terrorism plot if we can’t cast people we like?” Finn asks. 

Kurt laughs and rests his head against Finn. “Good point. Anyone else for our dream cast?” 

“Can we stick Mark Hamill in there somewhere?”

“ER doctor? Police commander?” 

“Ooh, better, like, the badass FBI agent who’s been tracking these guys for months and we finally gave him his lucky break,” Finn says. “I know the FBI agent we talked to was a woman, but she wasn’t very gritty. She looked nice, like a college professor with a really good suit. She didn’t look like somebody who would hold a knife between her teeth during a motorcycle chase.”

“We could have two FBI agents. The other one could be played by Natalie Portman,” Kurt suggests. “Embellishment is necessary at times.” 

“Oh yeah, that’s perfect! This is gonna be the best movie ever,” Finn says. 

“You think we’ll get movie theater distribution or just cable TV?” Kurt asks, sounding a little sleepy. 

“Hmm. I say we shoot for the theater, but be willing bargain down to a really good cable deal,” Finn says. As the episode of _Parks and Recreation_ starts, Finn tries to pay attention, but his eyelids feel heavy. 

“Okay,” Kurt says after a few moments. “Dinner tomorrow. Remember.” 

“Mmmhmm,” Finn murmurs. “It’ll be nice. No cans.”

“No questions. Heat,” Kurt says. “Not kidnapped is good.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says, his eyes closing completely.

“’Night,” Kurt says softly. 

Finn snuggles closer to Kurt. “Yeah. Night.”


End file.
